I first realized that I was homosexual almost at the same time that my sexual consciousness began to develop during puberty. I hardly was consciously aware of my sexual nature or the significance it would assume in my life. It was only gradually, by degrees, that I began to understand that I was "different." In the early years of mature physical life, those awkward years when one is not yet quite capable of mature emotional life, I was haunted by the soul-searching question "why" known to many homosexuals. I gradually became alienated inwardly from others and from life, although I tried to seem a part of things outwardly.

In my late teens I almost managed to convince myself that I was not really homosexual at all. But I could not, of course, explain my disinclination toward a heterosexual life nor my inability to respond but faintly to the female of the species. On that point, I never had to deceive anyone, because they just assumed that I was

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attracted to such things. In my attempt to appear normal I mouthed the expected reactions even though my heart was not in it. I became aware, however, that my mouthings were often dangerously unconvincing, and so I became quiet, and, ironically, was frequently characterized as the "shy but strong, silent type."

It became impossible for me to feel any real companionship for anyone. I was awkward and unbearably self-conscious with girls and often felt unable to give them the sort of companionship they expected of me. I was no more comfortable with boys, whose companionship I wanted so much. I was afraid that they would discover me and subject me to ridicule and abuse. I had firmly to deny every impulse to show warmth of feeling for anyone of them. I became almost a recluse at this point. School life was a dull, tedious routine. Dressing and undressing for Gym class and the required shower were always terrifying experiences for me;

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